flight or fight (or write)

flight or fight.jpg

The answer is usually right in front of my face. The answer is usually something I knew all along. The answer is usually standing in the waiting room tapping its foot and saying, “Hello? I’m over here, you big dumdum.” And this is how I’ve ended up posting endless links to new things I’ve written over the last month.

Let me explain: intuitively I knew I had to get back on a regular writing schedule. Now I’ve continued to write for clients and work but doing my own projects? Not so freaking much. After completing a script last year and battling some health nonsense, writing for me felt like something energetically I just couldn’t swing. The problem was, however, that without writing regularly, I started to feel nuts. I was explaining to another alcoholic just yesterday that I’m often jealous of people who can maintain their sanity and sobriety by just being physically sober or doing very little work. I, on the other hand, need a lot of help and from all kinds of sources. It’s like mind-blowing mole, you know that dark spicy chocolate sauce that comes from Mexico that when done right can be a religious experience.  The real deal, make-you-wanna-smack-your- mama mole requires at least 3 days and 30 ingredients to achieve poetic heights. And my sanity/spirituality/humanity is much the same. I can’t just do meetings. I can’t just exercise. I can’t just meditate. I can’t just have a digital support group. I need to be firing on all cylinders to make myself consumable for the human public. Now when an ingredient is missing, I begin to feel icky. A regular writing practice was missing so this is how I’ve ended up bothering you three times a week with new posts.

Suffice to say over the last month, my life has gradually changed and a light has gone on. I’ve written a few things that lots of people have read. I’ve written a few more that no one has read. All of this is fine. I am not doing it for internet pats on the back or sparkly comments. I’m doing it to stay alive. As I’ve mentioned, the news in June kicked my ass and made me feel devastatingly sad. Old me would have felt a blip of sadness and doused myself in alcohol or cocaine. Today, I feel all the feels as the kids say and it’s uncomfortable and real and intense. Thank god for writing. Writing helps we exorcise whatever is banging around in my head. June also saw some gnarly personal conflicts come up that previously would have resulted in neck crooking finger waving name calling confrontation better suited for Bravo than real life. I’ve somehow been able to avoid being a dick while not running away. I’ve stayed present, calm and authentic and I’ve kept writing. Who the hell knew any of this was possible? I made simple commitment to blog three times a week in addition to things I’m collaborating on and my professional stuff. That’s it.

Now, those of you who know me in real life or follow me on Twitter(which I was recently informed isn’t real life! Mind. Blown.) know how much I detest self-helpish, click baity ‘You’re living your life wrong if you don’t do this” type of posts. I hate that we’ve somehow cultivated a culture that gives the thumbs up to people who’ve stopped being an asshole for like 2 minutes and now they should be experts and tell us how to live. Eww. So in lieu of dishing out the kind of unsolicited advice that makes me gag: I’m simply offering my experience of the last month. I felt yucky and emotionally jumbled before I got back writing regularly again and now I don’t. Whoomp there it is. If there’s something that you love, something that helps you feel better, something you want to get back to (writing, knitting, walking, baking, meditating, volunteering, other positive activities that end in ‘ing’.) why not take a month and get back to them? It can’t hurt. Fuck. It might even help you. And maybe for you, like me, it’ll be the answer you’ve been looking for this whole time.

*please feel free to leave sparkly comments below. 

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6 comments

  1. carrythemessage · July 2, 2016

    Love this to bits, Sean! (The “consumable for the public” line killed me!)
    I totally get this. I am at that stage now where not writing is putting me in a little box that constricts me and makes me feel less than whole. So this is inspiring to me, as it shows that I am not alone.
    And for what it’s worth, Twitter has been a lifesaver for me in many ways. It’s not face-to-face, but the people I have met and interacted with have afforded me deep relationships with others I would not have had in real life.
    Keep writing and sharing and podcasting, Sean! Love your words, however they are transmitted.

    Paul

    Liked by 1 person

    • seanpaulmahoney · July 2, 2016

      Thank you, Paul. You inspire me all of the time so this means a lot. And “constricts” is the PERFECT word for how I feel when I don’t write. I totally agree about Twitter too. I’ve been connected to so many amazing peeps who go thru what I go thru and it’s a real blessing. Yourself being one of those people, btw.
      Write on, brotha! -S.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. axxman300 · July 2, 2016

    Since my surgery last August my writing has been spotty. I’ve blamed my subject matter but the truth is that I have avoided getting back into the groove for the same self-destructive reasons I used to drink. Weird how a side-step can awaken the monster in your closet that you thought you’d done away with. Still sober, and I’m climbing back into a writing groove again.

    Like

    • seanpaulmahoney · July 2, 2016

      I soooo get that! And good for you for continuing to push on. It’s crazy how physical stuff can so quickly derail the creative side. Glad it’s coming back for you & me too!

      Like

  3. Maureen · July 3, 2016

    Love you. Love writing everyday day. I agree that good life is mole. You are my hero. Thank you for inspiring me.

    Like

  4. Pingback: 83,32,1 | seanologues

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